About Intuition
I found myself on the top floor of a large classical apartment building. I was hiding from something, and I didn’t know what yet. Only it was clear I was terrified. Of what?
A loud growl expanded through the whole living space. It felt like the windows and paneling were shuddering. Looking around, I could see everything stood still. I wondered if maybe it was just my insides that were.
Then they appeared.
Two large ogres were standing next to each other. I don’t know if they were having a conversation or fighting. I observed for a while. They were clearly female, both wearing some flower-patterned dresses. Nothing about their atmosphere screamed friendly, yet they were not as large as I would have imagined an ogre to be.
No — actually, they were pretty mid-sized. Not larger than a normal human being, just wider in their presentations. In height, one was even smaller than I — I’m not a tall person.
I don’t recall the reason I came to this place. Gaining some courage, I started noticing some things about the place. Almost everything was white-colored. There was little to no furniture. So little that I don’t even know how I was hiding in the first place. A couch? An orangy, worn-out velour was covering my whereabouts.
The only thing I knew is that I had to get out of there. Their appearance did not matter at this point. Ogres eat people. My brain only came to that conclusion hours after it had settled down. In that moment, I only recognised the deep-seated fear my body was undergoing — and that was enough.
So I took a chance. I took advantage of their distraction and headed to the doorway. Luckily, there was no door to open. I made my way down a rectangular spiral staircase. The white of the stairs, walls, and windows was slightly burning my eyes, as if I had just woken up and barely opened my eyes mid-day.
I’m now a couple of floors lower and enter another apartment. This one is clearly lived in. The furniture has some color and there are decorations. It’s nothing luxurious, but at least it’s familiar and less disorienting.
I find a friend there. I don’t remember her name, face, or where we know each other from — but she’s my friend nonetheless. It feels like we have know each other long enough to feel comfortable around each other.
Finally… some peace.
What was happening upstairs?
Suddenly the hairs on my back start to stand straight.
The smaller ogre is standing next to me. Next to us. Casually joining in on the conversation. Casually? Do I know her?
Apparently, we considered her to be our friend as well. Maybe if I knew a couple of minutes ago, things would have been different.
The whole time during our tête-à-trois conversation I feel myself getting more and more ill. Not in the physical sense, but her presence just leaves me feeling worse by the second. Energy is seeping out of my body — and again, I know I have to get out of there.
So I say my goodbyes and head towards my bag of belongings. My stuff is being held by a black, flimsy, plastic garbage bag.
Immediately, miss Ogre tries to pry it from my hands.
“MINE! THIS IS MINE!” she yells to my face, pulling the bag violently towards her torso.
I don’t understand what’s happening. I was not confused about these being my bits and bobs, so I ask her to open it up and look inside. Like I thought: my old favourite lipstick is in there, as well as a lip gloss, hairpins, a wallet, an old brochure, an almost empty packet of cigarettes, and some more things.
I know this junk.
“Mine!” she’s repeating over and over. She is intimidating every cell in my body.
Although her height is not something to worry about, her attitude is one that surpasses rationality.
Ogres eat people, remember that, I said to myself.
So, for a while, I try to calm her down — show her the evidence — and get smaller to not upset her even further.
But this is pointless.
The more I try to convince her to let go of me, the more stubborn she get.
I believe she thinks she’s winning something. I don’t know if she even believes her own lies.
That’s it.
My patience ran out.
There is no going back if only one person wants to.
I pull the bag away and yell. Once.
There is not going back.
Because I don’t want to anymore.
This day I would like to mark a new mind experiment:
To radically follow my intuition.
Like so many people — especially women — I have unknowingly yet decidedly surrounded myself with “ogres” in my life. I think I’ve tried to please them out of fear of being ostracised by them.
Well… partially out of fear, partially out of love for them. I never wanted to hurt them or intimidate them, so I let myself be intimidated.
I don’t wish any of them harm, truly. And I don’t believe they have wanted to hurt me either.
However, our intentions are irrelevant at this point in time.
What matters is that I cannot be still and continue to have “patience” anymore.
I distort my energy, they do the same — and both of us lose at the end of the day.
So let my truest love for them set them free.
And let my truest love for myself do the same for me.
Only do what feels completely aligned.
I’ve been trying to practice this for a while now and have stopped contact with quite a large amount of people this way. Especially the last year.
I did not leave them without the benefit of doubt though. On the contrary, I gave them so much leeway and opportunities for open and honest discussion that the situation pulled me back in.
This is clearly not on them — the responsibility lies with me. But I recognise I’ve lost my way in this a couple of times.
I don’t consider it a problem either. Just deepening some acquired lessons. And I’m grateful for them.
Like I said, I have tested this boundary in a couple of ways this last year. I attracted some experiences where the conviction — or more specifically my intuition — was mixed, and chose to look at only the positive aspects.
Thinking this would change the reality in its totality. As by now, I’ve witnessed first-hand that what you believe is your reality.
And while that is true, simultaneously there is a paradox at play.
Because to rationalise one’s intuition to a fault is ignoring part of reality as well.
Intuition is there to guide us towards and away from things that rationally are not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ — they just don’t click.
And whatever or whoever is completely right for you, will feel completely right for you.
Trust that, Cas.
‘No‘ will be my new gospel and savior.
‘Yes‘ will be my guiding light towards what’s right.
Casica 