4/5/2024

How often can I make the choice not to be around them? The blame is not to be found there so I’ll take the burden of choosing. To not focus on you.
But is it fair?

Is it fair not to look at you anymore?

I’m angry at Her as well. The promises, devine, came in a moment of wonder. But it brought me angst, frustration, loneliness and peace.

It’s the frustration of having a direction, a path laid out, without the result wanted. I did want this though, peace. I thank you.

But is it fair to always have to choose? Between my peace and those of others. Between my health and those of others. My body is not to be shared.
Yet I shared it. No, they took it. No, I involuntarily shared it. No, I voluntarily shared it.

And that’s neither satisfying nor inspiring.

I’ve heard people say that you know you’re on the right path when you can’t see the way anymore. Now why is that? Can someone help me with this? Hello?

The channels open when I write. This is when I feel most alive. Not just in writing, but in honouring you. But to be quite honest Miss, I feel like my prayers do not get answered. Am I not listening? Am I not seeing? Or am I just not looking?

I keep on looking, you know. But you promised me ease. So that’s what I crave. Ease. E-A-S-E.

It is there in my words.
Just look.
Just start again.

Yet I’m tired of looking again.

Looking at the other side was easy, I don’t want to lie.
You give me breadcrumbs to keep on going another day, then another, then yet again another. Another.

I know the days have been built for both. And also, it’s a wonderful thing to be alive today. I could not imagine the burden the world, nay, humankind, went through to get to this point. While today I’m living like a King, a Queen and a Princess, in any other time I wouldn’t have had the chance to look beyond survival.

I acknowledge and appreciate that.
But I can’t look in the past nor at what could have been. You taught me that. So I’m just here. Perpetually here. Let me in.

Let my here be different. I’ve loved it, but I’ve seen enough of it. I’m sick and tired of it now. You made me easily bored, no? So I pray and do and learn and improve and be. Mostly I be.

I impose (.on..), I tower (.over..)… What?

It’s a wish, not an obligation on your part. I couldn’t put the responsibility on you. I know my part. I pray, that’s all. Please let me pray to you, dear.

Your lessons have been cruel, harsh and sometimes necessary. But not all have been necessary. A lot only had meaning because I gave them meaning.

So I’m confiding in you this: I have a hard time accepting life is meaningless in its most primal form. Because why did humankind agree to give it a similar meaning? Did we even agree? No, you came to us and spoke, gave, meaning to us.

I know a lot of your most important priests and priestesses have spread the meaningless of life. The importance of being earnest while giving it meaning. The importance of play and unseriousness. The Oneness in duality. The dance of life. A dance we get overwhelmed in. We lose the rhythm and turn back to you.

I’ve danced, I’ve played, I’ve prayed and I’ve listened. And I will continue to do so. But you understand me right? How the cyclical nature of life makes us feel? Like the tower never ends. Like the staircase to Nowhere is infinite and eventually futile if considered from above?

Of course you understand. You understand it all.

You ask of us courage. Each and every day.

The courage to stand up, like you taught Jesus.

The courage to keep an inquisitive mind, like you taught Socrates.

The courage to keep hope despite hardships, like you taught Moses. And any woman for that part.

The courage to listen to you and to speak up, despite knowing the consequences, like you taught Cassandra.

This conversation has come to its natural end. I thank you for listening as well, to my simpleminded discourse. You must mock us for not seeing the bigger picture, yet smile at us proudly – like a mother – for having the courage to do so.